...Barely tolerable, I daresay...

I saw my therapist today and told her how my heart has started just pounding at night when it's time for bed.  I take my Lunesta and compose myself to rest and feel my heart pounding away.  I thought it was from a soda or chocolate or something, but she immediately sensed anxiety to be the cause.  She made me realize and be able to vocalize how I am afraid to deal with this anniversary of my mom's passing.  She said people with a history of depression tend to be afraid to grieve or feel sadness for fear of falling down into depression.  That's how I feel!  Like I'm dancing on the edge of a pit that has no end.  I pace back and forth between knowing the anniversary is coming and that things will be weird, with the fact that I feel better mentally.  I am afraid of descending back into the sadness of last year, my mom's fear in her eyes when she would look at me in the ER, reliving my idiot father's last betrayal, knowing she's in a box in the ground.  It's been emotionally exhausting and I came home and slept it off. 

Tomorrow is the AV Poppy Festival and I can't wait to wander around all the crafts booths.  Must remember a hat!  Only working 3 days next week is also a grand thing! 

I also want to go to the Body Worlds exhibit in LA.