...Barely tolerable, I daresay...

After hrs in the sun and some 4 hrs on the road, you'd think I would have been incredibly tired and able to sleep like a rock.  Nope.  Since last month, I've had various nights of not being able to sleep.  I have nightmares about my mom's situation and nightmares about how I felt during all that.  Last night's nightmare was about my trying to explain to my idiot father how much he hurt me because the Masons were more important than a family emergency.  His face turned as ugly as what I see inside him and he informed me that of course they were more important than I was to him and always had been.  Then his words and face turned even more ugly and he yelled all sorts of terrible, hurtful things at me.  I woke up sweating with my heart pounding!  I was so agitated that I had a terrible time going back to sleep.  Once I did, more nightmares of situations of grief, and terror took that one's place.  DH's alarm going off was a mercy since it woke me from the most recent dream.  It was so comforting to be able to curl against him and know I am loved.  A kiss and a cuddle and a few words of sympathy for my anxious state calmed me enough to fall back to sleep and dream nice dreams of getting away from bad things and going on many cruises! 

I am so tired now.  I've tried to get some housework done, but it's hard with this stupid brace on my wrist and the fact that I'm so groggy makes me lose concentration in what I'm supposed to do next.  I think there's still 2 loads of laundry waiting for me (lotsa towels but folding them isn't too bad). 

Bits and pieces of the nightmares from last night impinge upon my consciousness at odd times and make me further unsettled.  In moments of hurt and anger, I want to email my idiot father and tell him that his actions are causing me nightmares.  I want to tell him how much he hurt me and that I don't think I can ever forgive him.  I've let things go in the past to keep the peace and take the high ground.  I realize it will do no good.  There will be no change in him like they show in movies and books and on TV.  There can be no happy ending in this for me.  The urge is strong to write that scathing email, but I'm sure it would do no good and I would just be more exhausted than I am now.  Perhaps I could just do the short and sweet job, "You suck as a father, eat shit and die".  Knowing me, I'll be far too verbose.  "Your inability to put your own daughter before your Masonic pimps and whores shows me without doubt that you are nobody I want to speak to. When she was dealing with the worst situation in her life, you left her to speak to your implacable self that would only reason that there was nothing you could do about the situation and why should you leave your seminar to come back and give aid?  That's when she got to speak to you at all.  The rest of the time she got your voicemail.  It's a shame those messages are probably deleted and never to be heard again.  It would be nice to play them on loudspeaker on endless repeat loop to all your "friends" so they can know the pain you've caused.  Not that they would care, of course they are probably no better than you since you spend so much time in their company.  Perhaps it should play for those who have yet to meet you so they would be ware of your true nature."  Nope, can't do it.  Not today.  I'm emotionally exhausted now to go along with the physical exhaustion, and I haven't finished my thoughts and haven't sent it.